The Adventures of: Lavi the PI
by Armor for Sleep92
Summary: Lavi is a PI Private Investigator he goes in search of questions and answers. Very random questions and answers. Maybe not even answers at all...
1. 100 birds

**Lavi the PI**

**100 Birds + 2 Pennies v Lays≥ Chips % -man x Pi = WTF?**

**Disclaimer: I neither own -man nor the Lays Chips that appear on this Fan Fiction. No matter if you can't just have one chip. All rights to -man are owned by Katsura Hoshino Sensei. Also I don't own the 7 Eleven and Conoco stations here. And to finish this disclaimer off...No animals were harmed in the process of this fan fiction.**

They say you can kill two birds with one stone; However, I can kill one hundred birds with one swing of my hammer. Then again I wouldn't want to kill birds, I mean they fly and roam around with their little berry-sized brains and live their short and small lives in a big, big, world where humans and other animals and species live and thrive to survive. I would be considered a murderer in the bird country. One day I walk along the street passing a 7 Eleven gas station and all of a sudden I'll get pecked on by the family relatives of the one hundred birds that I had killed with my hammer.

I run to the 7 Eleven convenience store and close the door behind me. The clerk looks at me like I'm crazy or something, what did an orange haired, black-eye-patched man do to piss of so many birds? Of course I wouldn't explain my situation counting to the fact that he thinks I'm crazy enough already.

This white haired man can even kick me out of the store for disturbing the peace with my "fine feathery friends". The birds eventually fade away and I browse around feeling lucky that maybe some product might be worth a lucky penny I found on the ground before I was attacked by the mob of angry revenge-filled birds. Can a lucky penny get you anywhere? Can it give you back the time it took you to pick it up? Will you eventually wind up accidentally dropping it and giving some poor hobo a penny richer? If it is so, then so be it.

I'm not lucky this time everything's too damn expensive. Two pennies for a damn bag of Lays...How ridiculous can they get. The moment that it gets to be 99 pennies I will truly throw a bitch fit.

The white haired man at the counter looks at me suspiciously. Now that I see him, He doesn't look like an old man; he looks more like a kid working behind a register with some sorta scar on his face. A red mark, maybe he has a wife and his wife gave him a beating because he couldn't support the family with money now that everything is so godamn expensive. Or maybe his girlfriend slapped him cause he was cheatin on her with another girl...or maybe a guy...god that sent chills down my spine...but I can't let my own suspicions get on to reality. He's still just a kid so the probabilities of my thoughts are fictitious. He probably just got scratched by a cat. A very bitchy cat.

He asks if I need help with anything and I shake my head for an answer. Another man with jet long black hair comes into the picture. He looks pissed. Then again who wouldn't be pissed when you work in a stupid 7 Eleven convenience store and gas station and have to put on a fake-ass smile so people can come back again to buy gas from you or a bag of Frito Lays, that keep rising every godamn day. His glare roams to my stare and he comes over.

"Lavi, what the hell are you doing here?" he asks in a pissy tone that only men with rags can sound like.

"What can't I be chased in here by a hoard of pissy birds and act like a PI?" I answered back very wise-ass.

"You're obviously bored, aren't you?" he told me crossing his arms like a manager at a convenience store would do when faced with a problem.

"Look, if you don't want me here I can very easily take my business from here and move to the Conoco store right across from here." I said sounding more wise-ass than I have ever been.

"What business? You don't even have enough money to keep the patch on your eye" he sighed at me with that pissy sigh of his.

"Oh that's wise, Kanda, insulting one of your customers about how he can even maintain something so vital and personal to him, I am deeply affected and utterly wounded...Second of all how can anyone be able to buy anything here if it's so godamn expensive! You really gotta do like Wal-Mart and lower the prices." I said very smoothly making my way out of the store. I can see him from the corner of my eye. Rolling his eyes and shaking his head. Yeah he thinks I'm a disgrace to nature as he thinks his employee at the cash register is. What a NOT chivalrous man he is.

As I stroll out of the convenience store I make it to the end of the gas station where the street is facing me and waving at me saying it's a street and beware of cars. Clearly some butt-head thought no cars were coming and backed into one. I would have warned him but I felt like watching something. I cross the street just as the victim opens the door and starts yelling at the guy who backed up. No one seemed to blame me so I just made my way across to the Conoco station.

I open the door and I see a girl no older than 18 maybe younger...a teenage dame. She was behind the cash register with that fake-ass smile. No one's ever that peppy in the morning especially if they work at a gas station. No sir-err-ma'am. She eyes me and I take it like a complement. What woman can't resist me? Her long pigtails are a flirt especially that her hair is a shade of black, and how straight and flexible it is. It's just begging to be touched.

What a flirt, behind the cash register. Someone can easily steal something from here and sweet talk her into believing that you'll bring the money for her next week of in a couple of hours just as he goes to the bank and changes his check of 57 dollars he got from a pawned stereo set, who's left bass system is weak and the right, grainy. I wink at her and she giggles, laughing at her own joke in her own mind. Whatever she cooks up, up there, is probably better than what I'm cooking for her down there. I kid, I kid. Did I scare you? No? Did I freak you out? I should have...

I look at the chip section the Lays are branded 2 pennies. What the holy mother of all things that is inactive! This can't be happening. 2 pennies for a bag of chips...even on Conoco stores! This leads me to believe that in all store these Lays will always wind up being 2 pennies. One thought crossed my mind just now. What if the cost of a chip or M&M was half a penny? Would it be like....05 pennies? The world will never know.

I walk up to the cash register with the bag of chips with an idea emerging my horizon.

"Hey there flirtatious and incredibly sexy girl, these chips are incredibly pricey...do you mind maybe lowering them lets say...a penny perhaps?" I asked leaning on the counter and giving her a flirty look that makes me feel like a man-slut.

She giggles and hides her smile with her little right hand her nails long and painted black I could tell she is into the dark stuff. Just suddenly I heard a chainsaw behind me. At first I think,  
"Ho, Shnippers! It's the Texas Chainsaw Massacre!" And I fling the bag of chips in the air and I watch it go slow motion into the hands of a guy with a beret and glasses. He looks at me with a crazed look in his eyes.

"What the hell are you doing, Lavi?!" he snaps loudly, more pissier than the pissiest of the pissiest himself, Kanda.

"I'm only trying to gamble a bag of chips, nothing more" I told him in all my seriousness of my seriousness.

"Ah, so you're not checking out my Lenalee are you?" he ponders in the distance. I look at him dumbfounded is his sister's singleness more important than a bag of chips? Apparently so...He flings the bag of chips to me and flips another penny into my hand.

"There you go, buy your chips and get out of here, you little hair ball" he says stopping the chainsaw and returning to whence he came. I paid the girl and left. She may have been attractive but I'm not too desperate to go on with a girl whose brother is the most overprotective of all the overprotectiveness of the overprotectivest, Komui.

I walk happily enjoying my bag of Lays chips. Then out of no where the pissy birds return and are on a rampage to kick the living day dreams out of me. I run with chips. I can't let go of them after all the trouble that I went to look for a bag of decent priced Lays even if I didn't get these at a cheap price. I was given charity and now they're gonna take it away from me.

Suddenly the white haired boy at the convenience store runs beside me. What the hell is he doing? Trying to kill himself? Apparently that's what I think.

"Lavi, you didn't notice! But you had a Lays chip on your hair the entire time! Birds are not that smart to know if you killed any of their relatives. They just want the chip on your hair! And did you notice? There's a ton more following you! That's because you have a bag full of them now!" he explains as he runs with me. Just about there I feel like I was looking for bait for those little bastards to follow me. My love for Lays could have been my coffin.

"Shut up! I went through so much for these godamn Lays! I can't let them go, you can't just have one chip!" that's when I realized the birds and I share the same love for Lays.

The white haired boy grabbed my Lays and threw them at a tree. The birds attacked it like girls to Vic Mignogna or Johnny Young Bosh. Two successful voice actors who voice more characters in animes than their heart beats or the number of times they've blinked.

I dropped to the floor sobbing in my own despair and sorrow over the loss of perfectly good Lays. The boy flicked my hair and a chip fell out. A Lays Chip.

"At least it's better than being pecked to death..." he says and walks back from where he came from.

I look at the chip next to me and I reach out for it only to be beaten by a bird who flew off with it. Man...that's dick... I walk home. Heart Broken. I drop my coat on the cold, cold floor just as cold as the birds were to me. Oh the agonizing agony of the agonizingest agony! I drop myself to the couch that is as lump as the lumpiest of the lumpiest himself, Allen. I wouldn't be surprised if he was filled with lumps I mean he's been hit so many times by inactive objects it's not even funny.

The whole day passes and I have yet to come to a conclusion to my question of the day that bothers me so much. Is a half penny .05? and if so what else other than a chip would cost .05 pennies???

**The End?**

NO IT'S NOT THE END!

**Oh O.K. Then...**

**Not The End.**


	2. Christmas Mystery Pt1

**Lavi the Pi: Christmas Edition**

**:Part One:**

**Disclaimer: I do not own -man. Katsura Hoshino Sensei owns them. I didn't buy them at Wal-mart or Walgreens. The closest things they sell of anime there are like...Yu-Gi-Oh and Pokemon. No animals were harmed in the creation of this fan fiction.**

Some people say "Santa knows when you're good and he knows when you're bad." But what if you do it secretly? Does Santa have secret cameras around my house? Does he stalk us? And how could he stalk us all? Does he send his elves to stalk us and take the form of lawn gnomes? That's what I'm here for to find out answers about the unknown.  
"It's Wal-mart" they say the Santa factory is. Others say "It's Walgreens" cause of the way the commercials give its appearance. So I decided to give both stores a little visit with my new assistant, Allen, the white haired young man from the 7 Eleven convenience store, decided to join me in my investigations. Maybe he'll be more of a use to me than he looks.

We enter the store bewildered; we get a breeze of cool air, man what a good breeze. Allen looks like he had an orgasm, and I walk in, what a fellow.  
The first thing we see. Frosty, the snowball-built man. Allen circles him like a football coach getting after a football player for giving them a yellow flag after running the wrong direction to the opponent's side. Then he starts knocking on his forehead and a hollow sound is heard.

"He's plastic" he says pointing to the plastic snow-ball man. Man when things appear to get good they have to get sucky.

"It could be a disguise...he probably is pretending to be plastic..." I said walking up to it like the kick-ass private investigator that I am.  
Allen crouches down to a sign below the snow-ball man. The sign read $109. But just what was $109? Was it the serial number on him? Like he's #109. The 109th snow-ball man? That sent chills down my spine, man...like there's more of them somewhere else too...

"It probably charges $109 to say anything" said Allen in all his smartness. That's where the light bulb flicked on. That could be it! By god's divine strength! We might just have something here! But then a flow of negativity comes over me, we don't have that kind of money... I walk away from the snow-ball man saying

"We don't have that kind of language with us at the moment. It's possible that other snow-ball men have the same details as this one...and at a cheaper price than this cheapskate."

I look down at a creature with a brown body, big old bug eyes and a red nose. Just what the hell is this? A horse? If it is then...that is one UGLY horse. I flinch away at its ugliness. More uglier than a fat hairy man wearing a thong on a hot sweaty summer afternoon.  
Allen practically flew to it from the snow-ball man he held it in his arms and embraced it like it was pretty or something. God I wanted to puke maybe it was too cute in a girl sense...but if so then why would Allen like it...? Allen squats down to its eye level and stares at it in the same goofy expression that it was staring at him.

"Ah, so it's a stare contest you want. A stare contest you'll get"

"Rudolf" I read from the sign on the floor. What could Rudolf do to spill the beans about Santa's factory? And even if he knew where Santa's factory was does he know the human language? The thing was barely communicating with Allen what makes me believe it will talk to me?  
I walk over to Allen and rest my hand on his tense shoulder. So tense that it felt like stone. What the hell does he have under his coat? A bullet vest? Maybe he found it cheap at a police store for $52.60 or something and decided to buy it with his MasterCard on credit or something.

"Allen, there's nothing we can do for Rudolf. He refuses to talk. Lets go deeper into Wal-mart and see if we can even find Santa himself" I said more husky than the huskiest of the huskiest, husky* himself.

Allen looks up and I see his eyes are dry after the longest time without blinking. I bring out my eye dropper and drop water drops in his really dry eyes. Damn anymore and it would have beaten the Grand Canyon and all it's dryness. Maybe a crocodile. His eyes wouldn't need eye drops they'd need lotion.

We walk over to another section. It was quiet only the Christmas music sounding from the speakers above us and the really annoying interruptions of the little meaningless announcements that they give out to call another person that's in the tire department while the guy in the tire department is probably just eating a sandwich and watching Family Feud on the T.V. and he never hears the announcement. While the people that go there just to hear the Christmas music have to wait that long wait so they can shut up so they can relax and shop with the happy Christmas melody falling out the speaker.

We see the mother (well FATHER) of our search. Santa himself. He was small, with beady little eyes. It gives me an idea that Santa can change his size, and by the looks of all the little Santas around the aisle he was BUSY with Mrs. Clause. Or maybe he cloned himself to make little tiny Santas while Mrs. Clause only dreams of the time when Santa will ever think about having a baby that will take over the family business once Santa retires. Oh man what a sad Christmas it will be when ever he retires.

Also if people purchase the Santas they take home a Santa Cam that will watch over their children and he will give them gifts if they are naughty or nice. So that the ones who don't have Santas he can watch over with the Air Cam.

"Sweet mother of apricot Sundays...I think we've finally got our solution to Wal-mart. Wal-mart is our Santa Cam factory. Where people will buy Santas and give Santa the luxury of not having to go to your house to not look after you." I say holding the Santa in my arms and glancing up like I've seen god.

Allen brings over a Santa and somehow picks a button making the Santa move and talk. It starts singing a song and dancing.  
**"I like to move it, move it. I like to move it, move it, I like to move it, move it. I like to... MOVE IT!"** It starts singing and shaking its butt to the rhythm of its own little beat and lyrics, dancing with a candy cane in one hand. Damn that Santa has a big butt old ladies will probably buy it and stare at it all the time wishing their husband will do the same for them, but their husbands are probably too old to even move their hips, they'll probably brake them so in the middle of the night the old jealous husband will snatch the Booty Shakin Santa and shoot it with a really old BB gun and laugh so hard that they will die themselves of heart attacks.

"Hey...I think it's trying to tell us something! Uh huh...uh huh...I see...OH! I finally get it! He's saying he likes to move it! But move what? The candy cane? Or maybe he means he likes to move his Santa factory to many places so people won't be locked on one place and call it the Santa factory!" concludes Allen with one breath. I bring him over an air machine so he could breathe after that.

"Yes...you've got a point there. Maybe he moved his Santa factory over to Walgreens..." I say with a hand on my chin. It could be possible that he is correct. All of what he said is very convincing. It can convince the inconvincible and the inconvincible to the convincible.

"How much does this Santa Cam charge for more details? It seemed to have given us details for free, so I'm thinking we owe it something. But what does it want? Doesn't he have enough with that candy cane there?" I grabbed it and looked around the box that it was coming with. It was strapped to it with white pieces of rope. Maybe it needed to escape and be free.

"It says here $10.13. Man this one is real cheap it's nothing more than 10.13 we've got a bargain!" says Allen cheering of the slight bargain we got here.

"Maybe we can gamble with it and see if we can get him to tell us more for $5.13 It's hell of a lot better and we can even throw in to let it free." I say balancing the box on my right hand to try and scare it.

"Hmm you've got a point...let's get going!" says Allen a little over excited. We make it over to the cash register where the same flirtatious girl, I believe it was Lenalee, was attending the customers. I snicker having dealt with her before makes the gamble a little easier.

Allen looks a little confused at me like he doesn't even know what the meaning of "flirt" is. What an odd fellow. I walk up to the cash register and smile with that big million dollar smile and I'm able to see her a lot better. When suddenly my jaw drops it isn't that Lenalee girl. This time it is a girl with short curlyish maybe wavyish dark brown hair.

It looks like she has panda eyes, the make-up under her eyes like that L person from Death Note. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if she was his lost sister or something...The name tag on her Wal-mart vest says "Miranda" so at least I have her name.

I guess it must have been the way I made my entrance to her or something cause she was blushing. Yeah it was probably my handsome smile. Allen just stands there giving me that same look that he did the first time he saw me. A look saying "WTF?" I clear my throat and put the Booty shakin Santa on the black thing that goes forward so the cashier can pick it up and scan it.

Instead of gambling it I just pay the whole thing. I feel weird just gambling when my chances were already slim. Man...how embarrassing...Allen just smiles like nothing had happened. Of course he wouldn't know about my attempt to lower a bag of Lays Chips from the Conoco station. He works just across from there. I doubt he would understand how I am.

We walk out of the Wal-mart passing by the air blast-breeze. Allen got a bit distracted by the crane machines he just couldn't help himself and he ran over there with a shiny coin in his hands. I walk over to him lugging the Wal-mart branded bag with the Booty Shakin Santa in it. He pops in the coin and starts moving the crane over to a little yellow golem looking thing. It had wings, I kinda reminded me of the Golden Snitch from Harry Potter.

The little claw starts falling down and it snatches the golden-yellow golem. Wow, first time and he got it. The little claw started making its way back to it's take off site and it drops it in the shoot. Allen excitedly digs into the square doggy-door looking thing and he fishes out the yellow-golem he had rightfully won.

I glance at him wide eyed. How the hell, man? He is truly an odd fellow. But then I can't really judge someone by their luck. This could have been his first win in maybe never. Or maybe he knows how to play that crane game, probably took some advice from Spongebob where he was teaching Squidward how to maneuver the crane and win something. Who knows maybe he watches too much Spongebob or maybe he's a real master at this crane game.

We make it out of the Wal-mart this time, completely out. The Walgreens is about 8 blocks from here and we look at each other. How the hell are we going to get there? Walking? I don't think so, Walking to Walgreens is going to be tough but I think we should take the bus.

Allen and I make it to the bus station where an old man sat. He looks really tired, like he just ran a marathon when he just made it there from his house which would be like a block away. Who knows maybe he has something wrong with his pelvis or has trouble walking. I don't know but I can't just assume anything.

We wait there for what seems like an hour. The old man starts snoring and it's making me twitch. Meanwhile Allen turns it into a beat. I don't know how the hell he can turn it into a beat. Or maybe he's singing a little song in his head maybe from some show or Spongebob. I don't even know what to look at anymore while we wait for the bus to arrive. The old man's saliva dripping down from his mouth or Allen playing with his little golem pet thing.

"Ima name you 'Timcanpy' cause you look like a 'Timcanpy'" He says lifting the thing up in the air like a baby or something.

I roll my head around waiting. I hate waiting. It always feels like forever. Finally after what seemed like a thousand years the bus came around the corner and I jump up to my feet. Allen gets up and starts heading for the bus only to be beaten by the old man who seemed dead in the seat. WTF? How the hell did he get up so fast and manage to get on the bus before us?? What an odd old man... We walk in the bus and take our seats. We endure the bumpy ride and the crashing of our heads as the bus hit a big bump. HOLY MOTHER OF SOUR BEANS! We both rub our heads and soothe out the pain. I look up and I see the Walgreens sign approaching. The bus driver made a stop at a bus stop and we get off paying the man before we did.

Great 75 cents gone down the toilet because we didn't want to walk. I should take this money business more serious...we walk to the Walgreens that was right in front of us now. Its unique diagonal entrance makes it stand out from all the others whose entrance is just normal. Walgreens could really have something here. With its uniqueness maybe they have some unique things here. The Hallmark cards can really be a treat, maybe they'll really tug at your heart, like puppies that look at you with big old button bug eyes and beg you to take them from the hell of the store.

We both look at each other and nod.  
"Alright...lets go" I say looking up at it like a giant.  
"Right!" he says with an over exaggerated throw of his hand to the air.

***Husky** - Character from +Anima =D

**End of Part One 1**


	3. Christmas Mystery Pt 2

**Lavi the PI: Christmas Special Pt. 2**

**::Part Two::  
**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own D gray-man and all it's D gray-manness. Katsura Hoshino-sensei owns it and all its characters. I also don't own Walmart and Walgreens and their Christmas special and whatever they sell. Also I don't own any other characters that appear randomly in the stores. Characters need to Christmas shop too! Dx

We finally cracked it. We cracked the Santa case, Walmart is the almighty place to sell all their crazy Santa items. And I just know that Santa lives there himself. I still have my chummy assistant, Allen, to find out if Walgreens is the Christmas spirit store. Those commercials keep runnin through my head tellin me that Walgreens has all the seasonal items. Maybe Walmart and Walgreens are two totally different stores? Its not up to me its up to what we find and what we crack. We could have something here...

Allen and I approach the store and all its diagonalness and enter it. The first thing we see is some guy with a wide-ass smile. I flinch and he welcomes us.

"Hey cuties! My name is Jerry! Please come and shop at Walgreens! We have all the Christmasy stuff you need for your humble home!" Then he murmurs something that sounded like "better than that walmart store, hmph!"

I look at Allen who looks at me and smile with that golemn on his head. We walk in and browse around. There are a bunch of stuff here...Christmas lights, stuffed animals of that ugly-ass horse I saw back at Walmart and the snowball built-man too, even candies and Christmas trees. Allen was transfixed on the ugly horse again. He held on to it too, just what was he going to do with all those items? Buy them? And if so with what money?? Was he hiding out on me???

I was still holding the Walmart bag with the Booty Shakin Santa on my hand. It was already starting to become a burden. I would have asked Allen to hold it, but I don't trust him with anything for some reason...like he'll lose it. I have a feeling he'll probably forget we're even in Walgreens.

The golemn on his head starts flying and I freak the hell out. WHAT THE HELL MAN?? That golemn is supposed to be made out of cotton! Not real things!

"Allen...is that golemn flying or am I going crazy?" I ask wiping my eye.

"Hm? Oh, you mean Timcampy? Oh I fed him a soul pill so he can fly and stuff." He says sucking on a loli.

"Allen...soul pills exist in the world of Bleach...we're...I have no idea where the hell we are..." I say getting a bit paranoid.

A boy with golden blond hair passes by me and behind him a man in a large tin suit. My eyes get all wide and big. Holy Hell! He turns to me and he chuckles without even opening his mouth and it sounded metallic. Who the hell were these characters?

"Brother wait for me!" the man in the tin outfit squeals in his metallicness. He sounded more like a 14 year-old boy inside. What hell?

"Hurry up, Al, we need to find that present for Winry or else she'll throw me another wrench. 'Ed! You always forget to get me something!' I don't wanna hear her bitch again" says the boy with the golden hair.

Allen and I watch as they pass by and disappear by the third aisle.

"Ok now I'm officially freaked...Ok well then...back to out mission." I say bringing out my note pad.

I noticed Walgreens is a lot more calm. You could hear the music which was more calming and soft than the other one and there weren't annoying announcements like in Walmart where the person has to use the annoying PA and announce a meaningless sale on the other side of the store that by the time you get there it's all gone. I guess Walgreens is a lot more smaller than the other one where there isn't a need to use a PA but just shout and the other person could hear you. Pretty simple. I like it.

"Right, so if Walmart is the key for all Santas then what is Walgreens?" he asks pondering.

"The way I see it... Walgreens is a place for all seasonal items AND Pharmacy...but...what if they were just hidin the real deal?" I ask.

"Hmm...I never thought of it like that...maybe the seasonal items are connected with Santa's cameras? What if the Wreaths have cameras on the cherries?" says Allen.

Oh My God...Allen just may have something here...what if the wreaths DO have some sort of video device on the cherry gleam?? I've got to say that Allen is getting smarter and smarter in every mission...

"You think we should buy a wreath and test out both of them back at home?" I ask getting nervous as we're around wreaths.

"Yeah, but maybe these wreaths can gamble too..." he says.

"Bingo!" I say with a wise-ass smile.

Jerry suddenly comes up behind us with that feminine voice of his.  
"Gentlemen! Have we found everything alright?" he asks.

I'm suddenly in the arms of Allen who had caught me from my spring of a startle. I get off and I clear my throat.

"Yeah, we're good here. Hey I need to ask you something, Jerry." I say in all my wise-assness.

"Yes, sir, what is it?"

"Heh, sir, Anyways...how much is this wreath here?" I ask pointing to one very mysterious one.

Jerry flips over the tag with the price on it.

"Its $2.99."

"We'll take it!" Allen says raising a fist in the air. I look over at Allen who was obviously more than excited to test this new theory of his out.

"Great! Now if you can just follow me to the cash register I'll charge that for you!" he says in all his happiness.

We follow him to the cash register and Allen takes out his wallet. I look at him with bug eyes.

"Where'd that come from??" I ask him shocked.

"Hmm? Oh...my wallet? Yeah I got paid yesterday didn't ya know? I could have bought that Booty Shakin Santa at Wal-mart with no hassle" he laughs.

My eye twitches great...I spent money on the Santa when he had money of his own...oh well its not like he gets paid a hefty load.  
"Hey mister...do you have change for $100?" he asks takin out a solid crisp $100 dollar bill. I freak out instantaneously as instant as instantaneously as you can instantly get...instantly

"ALLEN??? SINCE WHEN DO CONVENIENCE STORE CLERKS GET PAID MORE THAN $100 Dollars??" I ask nearly knocking over a Christmas ornament that Jerry had on the counter.

"Uh...it was a Christmas bonus!" he says innocently.

"Yeah right! As if Kanda a pissiest of the pissiest would ever give you a bonus for just standin there and chargin the customers?!" I snap. His eyes nearly draw tears and I flinch back feeling guilty.

"Alright, alright...I'm sorry, Allen I didn't mean to..."

"I work at Burger King too!!!" he cries. I stare at him surprised.

"Yeah here's your change of $96.92!" says Jerry smiley.

Allen stopped crying and held a hand out with a smile. "Thank you!" he says like if nothing happened. "Well come on, Lavi, we need to check this theory out!" he says carrying the bags out of the store and his little golemn barely keeping up.

I turn back to Jerry and smile dispatching myself from him with a goodbye and thank you wave. I run after Allen who was already waiting in the metro benches waiting for the bus to come.

Man what a weird experience...right besides Allen is the huge armor man with his little partner. Allen is all talking to the big guy.

"Hey, sir! How's life up there?" he asks the armor man.

The armor man looks down at him. "eh heh...it's ok I guess" he said nervously laughing.

I sit next to the short boy with the blond hair who looks like he's pissy too. Man who ran over his good mood and caused a nuclear explosion in his head? He looks annoyed but then again who wouldn't be annoyed when you have to visit Walgreens and wait for the bus?

"Bitchy day, huh?" I say in a laid back voice.

"You're telling me..." he says in his annoying annoyingest of annoying annoyingness voice.  
"Yeah who wouldn't when they have to sit and wait for the metro?" I say looking to my left watching if the bus is coming.

"No...it's not that...its this girl..." he says with a sigh.

"A girl huh? You can't get her or is she just a bitch?" I ask turning my head to him.

"No..." he says blushing "She just expects a lot from us..." he leans against the bench resting his back.

"NO WAY! DON'T TELL ME YOU MISSED THAT EPISODE OF LOVELESS TOO?!" cries Allen waving his arms around like he's panicking.

The short guy and I both look at them confused.

"YEAH! I HAD TO DO CHORES THAT DAY!!!" cries the armor man.

The blonde boy ran a hand from his forehead to his chin. "Alphonse and his Kitty animes..." he says to himself.

I look at him raising an eyebrow. "Uh...you do know that, that 'kitty anime' is really a shonen ai or yaoi or whatever you call them..." I say coughing.

He turns to me shocked then at Alphonse. "AL?! YOU WATCH **THAT** KIND OF ANIME??" he asks surprised.

I turn over to my left and the bus starts making its way towards the bus stop. The little blonde boy starts tackling his companion and Allen gets up.

"Hey you two...are you getting on the bus?" I ask them. They straighten up and stand up. Allen enters the bus first sitting on the side ones. I follow sitting next to him. The big guy and the small guy enter and sit opposite of us. Allen waves his little idiot wave and the big guy waves back. The little golemn on his head starts flyin around and the big guy suddenly freaks out.

"Yeah I was there..." I say to the big guy's expression. Funny how you can tell his expression, from underneath a suit of armor, when he has none.

The bus stops and the two get up. "Well it was nice talking with you two." Said the short blonde boy "...even though I never got a chance to talk to you mister" he says looking at Allen.

Allen just smiles at him and chuckles. "Well I'm sure if we talked more you'd find a lot of things in common."

"Yeah, I don't know why but, I bet you're right." He says. He smiles and walks off the bus his big armor companion following him and waving goodbye.

The bus takes off again. We didn't even notice WHERE the bus had stopped it was very grassy but then again there are a bunch of grassy places all over this damn crazy world.

The bus stops again and this time near our area. Thank god we finally got off that bus. It was startin to hurt my ass from all the bumps. I was startin to wonder if the bus driver was on crack or something maybe a monkey drivin the bus a very pissy monkey who probably bought a lottery ticket and was getting really hyped over the thought that he won the lottery only to be joked by his friend the ape saying it was only a fake lotto and he wound up goin bananas.

We got off paying the 75 cents before setting foot off the bus. We walked in to my house and sat on the couch. Allen looked like he had eaten a lot of food and was full. His golemn stopped flying and rested on his head. I set the Wreath on the door and the booty shakin Santa on top of the T.V. now we waited.

The booty Shakin Santa looks at us with its beady little eyes like as if It could start dancing all of a sudden. The wreath was just there...hangin from the door. The cherries gleaming from the little light we had inside.

"So...have we come to a conclusion yet, Allen? What do you suspect?" I ask him with a hand on my chin.

"Our only guess is to wait till Christmas..." says Allen and all his smartnesssss. I never would have thought of that!

"I mean...this WILL prove if Santa is watching us through the Booty Shakin Santa or the Cherries from the Wreath. I think we should put one in your room and another in mine...SHOT GUN ON BOOTY SHAKIN SANTA!!" he suddenly says.

I snap my fingers in Dammit. And I take the wreath to my room. Funny how suddenly he's living in my house...when the hell did he move in?? but I wasn't about to ask he's a good companion. I still need to feed the panda.

"Well...now we wait for Christmas..." he says running in his room. I hung the wreath in my room. It seems like this case won't be solved till Christmas which is a long way from now...hopefully it will come to a dramatic conclusion.

**SECOND DISCLAIMER:** I don't own _Ed_ and _Al_ from the _Fullmetal Alchemist_ series nor the _Bleach_ name.

_**Note from the Author:**_ Hey...I'm sorry about this...I know I started this like...last year! xD and I never had a chance to continue it :x I was loosing taste but then I remembered about you all who actually read this. It's something you guys are awesome! Please do stay tuned to the next one it's full of adventure! :3

- **Armor for Sleep92**(Alaska is Cold)


	4. Teen Movies

**Lavi the PI: Teen Movies**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own -man. Katsura Hoshino-sensei owns them and their characters. I also don't own the other characters that appear in this fan fic. They all belong to their respective owners. Characters from Death Note, Bleach and Fullmetal Alchemist belong where they belong. They just so happened to come across my mind when I was thinking up this fan fic :] So don t blame me XD.

---

They say teenager years are the best there is. The fact is when you re old and have Alzheimer's then you wouldn't really remember exactly how they were. Like Panda at home who doesn't even remember my real name. Pheh...Lavi. His bookman years may later come to an end but that's why I m here to continue his bookman successnessess. OF THE TOPIC HERE. Twilight seems to be big. Movie theaters went sold out at the midnight release all over the United States now it s time for it to get here. Here we ll finally see what's so great about it and how come it's so popular. I m bringing with me my ever so chummy assistant to help me decide what is going on, him being a teenager and all.

Allen jumps around the bus as we're getting there. Yeah the same stinky bus we went on last time with the cranky-ass crazy bus driver that drives 80 on 30. Despite him going in an insanely fast speed, Allen still jumps around. All the chaos is making me nervous. What the crap is this guy's problem? The bus driver makes a frequent stop and we fly out towards the pavement. How the hell we got out so damn quick? I wouldn't question anime fan fiction physics.

I stand up and stare at the movie entrance. Allen never fell flat on his face he thought of a counter jump before he got on like as if he planned this, while I fall face first onto the dry, cracked, cementy pavement. He tuns to the box office and waits there patiently for me, bobbing up and down. I sigh. Just how excited is HE to watch Twilight? I heard only girls watched it and it would be a miracle if a guy ever really liked it, but I guess Allen is a giant question mark in my head. I have a feeling I'm not going to like this movie and I m just gonna walk out regretting the $13 I wasted on it.

"Come on, Lavi! I've read the book already! I wanna see the movie!" he freaks.

"Alright, alright, already sheesh keep your shirt on please" I say taking my wallet out as I approach the box office.

The girl in the booth immediately puts down her magazine in a frenzy.

"What?! Allen has no shirt on?!" she searched around only to realize it was just a figment of her imagination.

I look at Allen who s looking at me with a "WTF" face. The girl has round glasses and pigtail braids with a Chinese accent.

Lo Fwa? I didn't know she worked as a box office ticket person. I didn't dare ask her instead I ask what I need more.

"Two tickets to 'What the hell are you doing here?' I-I mean 'Twilight'." I shook my head wow great not only did I ask what the hell she was doing here, I asked for Twilight tickets for Allen and I people are gonna suspect something and that just sickened me

She smiles and gives me the two tickets blushing at Allen.

"Oh this is just part time to get more money for books and studies. I really want to go to headquarters." She says with dreamy eyes fixed on Allen.

As always Allen is oblivious to everything he's paying attention to an ad than Lo Fwa's confession to him.

"Hey! CATS is coming! We need to go!" he says excitedly.

Lo Fwa falls back ignored. I snatch Allen and we enter the theater with the tickets. Before we walk into the screening room, Allen spots the concession stand.

"Oh, oh! FOOD!" he says almost starvingly.

"Oh, no if you re getting food you re buying it on your own." I say being the sour person that I am.

"Okay" he says and then runs to the counter.

"I want nachos, 2 hot dogs, a box of Milk duds, an extra large tub of popcorn, a bag of gummy bears, TWO bags of gummy worms, a super slurper Icee, an extra juicy pickle, two burritos, three slices of pizza, and a giant Iced Tea." He asks the tender.

My mouth opens from all the food he ordered. What the hell? Was he going to feed that damned golemn on his head or what?! Counting the fact that it chews on EVERYTHING even Allen s hair. The tender struggles to get everything for Allen even if Allen wasn't the rushy type. Maybe he was intimidated by that eye of his.

Allen walks next to me with the mountain of snacks and food.

"Are you done?" I ask annoyed.

He slurps his Iced Tea and nods. I m not even about to ask how he had so much for all that. Maybe he's hiding out on me again

We enter the screening room where it s practically full of people with popcorn and candy and soda. You could hear them munching and talking about the movie before it's even starting.

We sit near the middle since Allen practically ran there. I could see a really blonde girl just below my seat with long hair. She was joined by her friend with short brown messy hair. They were giggling about the movie.

Just above us was another girl with blonde hair and pigtails. Next to her a girl with long orange hair somehow my eye wandered to her chest and my eye grew I turned back with Allen and my face must have been red or something cause he turned to me with a "What s wrong?" face. I ignored it and stared at the screen. He shrugged and continued munchin' on his popcorn.

The previews started and everyone settled down. Then finally when all the previews were done then started the movie. Allen was at the edge of his seat. All his popcorn sat in the seat next to him. And so it started. The flash of a deer running through the forest and someone or something is following it. The random flashes made me dizzy, what the hell, then finally the creature-no wait it's a person! I could have sworn I saw a jacket! What the hell! I though this movie drank HUMAN blood?! This could be interesting...

*Two hours of Twilight movie later *

The lights turned on as the ending credits began appearing. Wow I've got to say, me being the manly one here I really liked this movie! Allen and I were making our way out and he threw the empty cartons of food in the dumpster. Once we exited...

"That movie was awesome!"

"That movie sucked"

I looked at Allen who was finishing off his Iced Tea.

"It didn t really go with the book at ALL he threw the soda away. So many good parts were taken away and madem' sucky. Like Jacob!" he flailed his arms around. "He was supposed to come out a whole butt load of times, and they didn't even show when he and Bella went out for the first time or when he had fever and turned into a werewolf!"

"Jacob's a werewolf?"

"Exactly my point!"

"Well I guess this is a lot better than reading a book the size of a dictionary that's why I have the old panda at home!" I just then thought of something. "HOLY BUTT FUDGE!"

"Ewww"

"I need to feed the old panda his marshmallows with butter and fruity pebbles!" I freaked.

The girl with blonde hair that I had seen just below us in the theaters had gone out the same way we did pulling out a cellphone and screaming in it.

"EDWARD! Answer your damn phone! I know you re trying to avoid me! Now get your ass over here and pick me up, Pronto!" she hanged up noticing we were staring at her bipolarness.

She blushed a bit and apologized.

"Sorry It's just my friend is being so mean." She laughed nervously.

We both nodded in sync suddenly her phone rang with the ring tone Decode from Paramore.

"Hello? Edward! Where the hell have you been?! What? No bars at Peter Pipers?! What the hell are you doing there without me?! Fine! I ll just take the bus home, you wouldn't care if I got raped by a random man! What? I m tougher than that? AHH" she hung up.

She turned to us again and blushed.

"Can you believe this man?! He doesn't answer his phone, that jerk!" she said pissy. She beat Kanda's pissy pissiness of the pissiest. Oh well...

She calmed herself down and looked at us a bit embarrassed. "Sorry, um, I'm Winry Rockbell. I hope I didn't act like a complete fool in front of you two." She laughed nervously.

"Don t worry, Miss Winry, You don't have to apologize. We do our fair share of really stupid things here and there..." a flashback of me running from the 100 birds popped in my head.

"HEY WHAT S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?! THAT WAS NOT STUPID! I DIDN'T KNOW THOSE BIRDS WERE AFTER ME CAUSE THERE WAS A DAMN CHIP IN MY HAIR!" I snap loudly at nothing.

"Um...Lavi? Who you talking to? Miss Winry is over here and you're looking at nothing" says Allen with a "wtf" tone.

I look over at Allen and laugh nervously then look over at Winry. "I'm sorry, Miss, Just really bad memories stupid ones" I say nervously.

"Uh...huh...Okay then" she says with a fake smile maybe thinking I m a crazy psycho path talking to nothing.

"I'm sorry to ask this but is there any way I can maybe ask for a ride?" she asked embarrassed.

Allen and I both look at each other. Allen smiles and looks back at her. Sure my ride should be here in a moment he says. Just then I look at him with a "WHAT?!" face. I noticed his golemn thing wasn't around.

"What do you mean your RIDE?!" I ask shocked.

"Yeah I have a Lamborghini Timcampy's on his way over with it" he smiles.

I look at him feeling like I m about to crack from shockness a million things that could have pilled up in my head went straight to the recycle bin.

Just as he said that a screech was hear and the bright luminescent front lights came over to us. The car, black-silver Lamborghini stopped just before us. I look over at Allen who had a calm face. The doors shot up and Timcampy was driving.

Winry stared at the car with awed eyes. There is no way, no possible way, Allen can buy a car this sweet and awesome working at a friggen Seven Eleven store and a Burger friggen King he'd been saving since he was a baby in order to get THAT rich. Either that or his real parents finally manned enough to give him child support.

Allen holds the door up and makes a hand gesture for her to enter the car. She looks at it with sparkles in her eyes. Has she ever heard of a Lamborghini before? Maybe even a car?? Or was it that this car made her remember about the part in Twilight where Edward came for Bella in an amazing speed. She sits in the car and Allen closes the door down.

I get in and before I could even buckle myself in Timcampy took off like a speeding bullet. Allen was inside laughing the whole time while I was holding on for dear life. This Lamborghini was weird though. It had two back seats and I could hear the motor in the back roaring. It was a good thing the windows were up then the air would come blasting in and hitting us like a Wal-Mart. Allen would prolly have an orgasm again eww.

That Winry girl was enjoying it. It's a good thing she was by herself cause if she wasn't then It'd be a different story. The girl'd prolly be strapped to the roof of the car...poor girl. Tim makes a sudden stop. Allen and I crash our heads to the seat in front of us. We were so dazed we didn't even know where he had stopped. Winry got out of the car and shook her head. She turns to us and smiles.

"Thanks for giving me a ride I probably would have been walking home alone." She says.

"No problem ma'am, I think we stopped by here one time dropping off two boys in a crazy bus the other day. All I know is there was a short kid with blonde hair and a big metal guy who I know his name is Al. Maybe you know of them" he smiles.

Winry cracks a bit. "WHAT?! YOU DROPPED THOSE TWO OFF HERE LAST TIME?!" she screamed blowing Allen s hair back.

"Oh so you know them!"

"Yes, I know them! The short kid is Edward! The one I was yelling to on the phone and the big guy is his little brother!" he snapped quietly.

"Ohh now I get the picture. Well since you know them..." Allen searched his pocket and brought out a paper. "Give this to them and tell them to call us some time when they want something to be solved. We re bored most of the time doing all sorts of ridiculous things to feed off the bordomness. OH! And do tell Al that I got the box set to Loveless so we can watch it together sometime!" says Allen in an excited tone.

Winry looks at him with a "wtf?" look and takes the paper. I jump to the front seat and stick my head out.

"Yeah, that Loveless anime is exactly what you think, a shonen-ai" I say leaning back on the seat.

Winry chuckles nervously.

"Don t worry darlin' you won't have to watch it if they give him a call." I say like the laid back person I am.

"Well, see ya later, miss Winry. Don t worry about the ride it was our pleasure." Says Allen sitting back in his seat.

"Take care, sweetie. I say closing the door." Tim takes off like a speeding bullet again and this time I was quick to buckle my seat belt.

"Man, Tim, in a hurry much?" I say feeling like I m in the Starship 3000 that crazy alien spaceship in carnivals where they spin you 100 mph.

I turn back to Allen who is still enjoying it. "This still doesn't get you off the hook for how the hell you got so much money to by a Lambor-freaken-ghini. Burger King and Seven Eleven aren't going to save you this time" I say annoyed.

Allen laughs nervously and rubs the back of his head.

"Yeah IT WAS TIMCAMPY!" he yells.

---

**Note from the Author:** Sorry about chapters being so late q___q. I had so much trouble trying to ignore my laziness. And I'm losing Lavi's PIness! Need to watch more robot chicken. Well enjoy this! The next one includes Loveless w so i'm pretty sure i will be done with that as soon as i can!


	5. Loveless

**Lavi the PI: Loveless**

**Disclaimer:** I don't know D. Gray -man, or any other animes that just so happen to pop in here. I m pointing at Fullmetal Alchemist and Loveless here. They are each created from their own creators. D. Gray -man, Katsura Hoshino. Fullmetal Alchemist, Hiromu Arakawa. Loveless, Yun Kouga.

---

Today there is nothing more annoying than for Allen to be waiting by the phone for that phone call from Alphonse. He even makes it seem like he's just passin' by that phone to go into the living room, or to go to the kitchen. That's the sorriest excuse. He should have asked that Winry girl to give him their number Nuff said.

Suddenly the silence is broken by that phone ring. I m headin' towards it about to land a hand on it and here he comes slapin' my hand away to reach it first. "Ow, damn it" I cry. Allen answers the phone like he never expected it.

"HEY! ALPHONSE! Yeah! I dropped off your girlfriend at your house last night!...huh? she's not your girlfriend? Oh I see so she's Edward's girlfriend" a loud yelling was heard on the other side of the phone nearly knocking down the phone from Allen's hand the cruddy one. "Heh?! Oh, gomenasai, Edo-kun I didn't know she wasn't your girlfriend." He suddenly put down the phone and turned to me with that poker face he makes when he knows he's gonna win, but the evil one.

"Winry's single, Lavi now's your chance!" he said slyly.

I look at him with my "stfu" face and turn back to my puzzle of the Lenalee girl I met at that Conoco store. Damn If I had wings I'd fly to her store every day and pretend to be shoppin' around just to turn at her and give her my irresistible look that only damsels in distress can't resist. That poor dame is probably wishin' for my appearance there at this very minute. Just thinkin' about her thinkin' 'bout me tears my heart up.

"So what have you guys been up to since last we've talked?...oh really?...we saw it yesterday with Winry I guess you can say that. It wasn't the greatest but it was ok Lavi liked it...Lavi? You know that guy I'm with all the time yeah the one with the eye patch...what? Oh he's not related to Sven* nope yeah I thought so too but I see no resemblance I mean Sven has GREEN hair ha ha yeah maybe he could easily cosplay as him OR Ciel** yeah! Hey speakin' of anime I got the boxset of loveless!...Hells yeah!"

I roll my eyes at the ecstatic conversation Allen was having with Alphonse. That guy will make friends with a piece of toilet paper and still have a conversation. I finish my puzzle of Lenalee. Damn I wish I could see her one more time well since I don t really have a chance all I can do is start with the next puzzle "Hello Rangiku***..."

Allen's voice is getting louder and I notice he's walkin' over to me. Great what's he gonna do, tell Al I'm some kinda womanizer or some pervert lookin for a good time out?

"Ok, ok, let me ask." Allen puts a hand over the speaking part of the phone, even though you can still here it, it won't sound as loud as he wants it to sound "Hey Lavi, can we go over to Ed and Al's house to watch Loveless? Come on Winry s gonna be there..." he says nudgin' my shoulder as I'm holding a puzzle piece of Rangiku s hair.

I turn at him and still have my "stfu" face. "Sure, I guess going over to their house would be entertaining enough to not be stuck here with nothing to investigate though I'm not going just to see Winry..." I say with sweat slightly running down my forehead.

"Suuuuurrrreee, buddeh" he says picking the phone up "He says 'ok', oh by the way uh will there be food?"

"Hey Allen, we don't know our way to Ed and Al's house remember? We either get on that crazy bus or Tim driving and usually it's blurry." I say leaving the house and going towards Allen's Lamborghini.

"No problem, Lav, Tim will drive us there, I mean he did take us there the first time to drop Winry off yesterday remember?" he says opening his door. Allen steps back and the doors shoot up.

Tim suddenly flies into the driver's seat and turns on the car, the motor roaring in the back as he presses the gas. I flinch and jump into the car. Allen closes the doors as he gets in. Tim shoots away without even looking to see any cars. He would miss them before they even had a chance to panic. I hold on to my seat and managed to get my seat belt on before he took off. You need serious skills to get your seatbelt on before Tim can jolt away.

Suddenly he stopped. I choked myself with the seatbelt when he made the abrupt stop. My head was flying around and Allen was whooing Tim for his driving. "Good, Tim! Here s a Scooby snacks**** "he laughed throwing him the entire box of Scooby Snacks.

The door shoots up and Allen holds a hand out to get me out. I could see four of Allen holding a hand out and I reached for the wrong one. Allen sighs and grabs my hand and pulls me out. I shake my head and look at their house. It's yellow and a porch dog walks to us.

Allen smiles and squats down to pet it. It has a metal leg and I looked at it with a "whaaaaat??" face.

"Hey, buddy! I have a hand sorta like that" he takes his glove off and shows it his red hand. The dog smells it and licks it.

"Hey you guys!" calls the metallic voice again. Allen puts his glove back on and looks up to see the metal man come out, Alphonse. "I see you've met, Den." He says happily.

We look at the dog and it wags its tail. Den eh? Well it s a pretty decent name for a dog.

Edward walked to Al's side. It only made him look shorter. Though I wouldn't want to call him short. Something tells me he'll try and murder me if I say to him. "Yo, It s nice to see you too again. My assistant here just wanted to spend time with you guys again after the first time we met." I say in my coolness.

Edward smiles "It's not a problem, we need to thank you one way or another for..." he looks back to see if anyone other than ourselves were listening. "...for bringing back the annoying girl..." with that a wrench flew out of the second story window and smacked him in the back of the head making him fall forward.

Allen managed to catch him with a "wtfsholycrap!" look. Alphonse kneeled and turned him over. "Brother! Brother are you ok?!" he asked to the dazed boy.

I lean over to Allen a bit and have a hand covering the side of my mouth whispering to him. "I still can't believe he's the older brother" Just like that Edward jumped up and threw a tantrum.

"I'M NO NARUTO***** NOR A RIPLEY'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT****** NOR A CRISS ANGEL******* BUT BELIEVE IT!!!"

Now I'm pretty much convinced that everyone here is full of glitches and super sonic hearing, Winry being able to hear from the second story window and Edward hearing me whisper. Can't get any better than this...

Once we finally got Edward in the house with an ice pack on his head Allen pulled out his Loveless boxset out from nowhere. Just where did he bring it out from I haven t the slightest clue maybe a black hole portal to an alternate dimension where he stores all his crap I narrow my eyes at Allen. Maybe the source of all this money came from a bank he stored in that little big alternate dimension where he can get all the cash he wants Interesting...

Allen passed the box set over to Alphonse who looks at it like he's seen porn. He runs toward the T.V. and kneels down to the DVD player and pops the first DVD in. Allen slides next to him on the floor. He blushes at the screen when the cat boy with black hair comes out with his fair haired companion. Gross Allen watching this with Alphonse just makes them look a bit strange but it's all in their tastes. I look over at Edward and he's sulking in his seat dealing with the pain of the Triple Decker Ice Cream******** on his head.

"That was one tough blow you took to the head, you need Tylenol?" I ask with an amused look in my face.

He looks a me with a bit of a glare and nods. "The pain will go right off that sundae on your head" I say handing over two Tylenol pills and a glass of water. He grabs the pills and swallows them then chugs the water.

Winry passes by and my eyes follow her body IT WAS LIKE SHE WAS WEARING A CENSORE BAR ON HER CHEST!! It was so hard for me to look away. She looked so sexy standing by the door with that tube top and overalls and that bandana on her head I'm glad the place was air conditioned...I felt the place go 100 degrees. I pulled out my shirt a bit it felt like it was choking my neck and making it hotter.

"Oh, I didn't know you boys came already. If I knew that I would have changed out of these clothes" she chuckled. "What clothes" I wanted to ask but I preferred not to end up like my little buddy over here with the Sundae on his head.

I laughed a very uncool laugh that just about killed off my coolness. "Ha, ha don't be silly this is your house after all, you can dress however you want, make your self comfty at your own home!" I say rubbing the back of my neck making myself nervous.

Edward paid no attention to Winry. How could he not have the hots for someone who dresses like THAT in her own house?? It's enough to give a man an orgasm something to HAVE an orgasm of instead of standing before the entry of Wal-mart.

Winry chuckled. "It's ok, I'm still working on his automail I only came down for a glass of water and for all the ruckus." She looked down at Edward who was grasping his head still. "Edward! What happened to you? Did you hit yourself with Al's Armor again?" she asked concerned. Edward looked up at her with a deadly glare and glanced back down. Winry grinned at the edge of her mouth. "Serves you right for calling me an annoying girl..." she mumbled as she walked back up the stairs with her cup of water.

Once she left it felt like I could breathe again. Man if I saw Lenalee wearing just that I think I'd have a heart attack Edward calmed down a bit and just rubbed his head. I turn over to him glad that he didn't see my reaction to Winry. "Felling better, Ed?" I ask with a sweat drop.

"Yeah...man...I don't know why she hasn't been called out to play baseball games she throws like a murderer!" he sighs.

I chuckle. "Ha ha, women..." I say with a bit of the remains of my reaction to Winry.

"You said it..." he looked up at me and noticed my face was kinda flushed. "Hey you ok? You look like you have a fever." He asks leaning forward.

"He just has whip lash from Winry comin' down here and all her tube topyness" says Allen yawning out loud pretending he wasn't hearing our conversation.

At this moment I could feel steam come out my ears and I was sweating more than when I saw her and her tube topyness would Edward kick me the hell out of her house?!

Edward started laughing out loud practically falling back and off the chair, banging on the table and turning pink from all the laughing. Al glanced at me with a blush and Allen was just acting like the cool bastard he wishes he could be. I glare at Allen and look at Edward.

I cough trying to set the tone back to the way it was. "Listen I got nothing on your Winry girlfriend I mean she IS you're wife if not wife to be..." I say my blush going away.

Edward stopped laughing as sudden as he started. "Winry's not my girlfriend, nor will she be my future wife..." he says wiping a tear off his eye.

"Oh come on, Ed. You and I used to fight over who would win Winry's heart when we were little after thinking twice I just gave up and gave her to you..." Al said as he approached Ed's side.

"What!? That was a long time ago! Back when well..." He looked around and did a double take just in case and whispered. "...Back when she wasn't as bitchy as she is today..."

Suddenly we heard a chainsaw rip from up above. All of our eyes bulged out and we all stood up. Except Allen who sat there listening and not butting in.

"I think it's a wise decision to just run the hell out of here..." said Ed in a scared stiff tone.

"Y-Yeah If we don t I don't think we'll make it out alive" said Al in his metallic voice.

"You don t have to tell me twice!"I say with a scared tone. We all burst out the door as soon as we heard footsteps running down the stairs. HOLY MOTHER OF EVERY LEAF THAT HAS FALLEN!! SHE LL GET US!!

"Run! It s The Risembool Chainsaw Massacre!!!" cried Edward as we ran out the house. Allen sat there watching the credits roll by the anime and Winry ran down the stairs with the chainsaw.

"Where are they!?" she screams. Allen points to the door and she runs out. Man what a great sport telling her where we ran off too...

---

*Sven = Black Cat  
**Ciel = Kuroshitsuji  
***Rangiku = Bleach  
****Scooby Snacks = Isn t it obvious?  
*****Naruto = Naruto  
******Ripley s Believe it or Not  
*******Criss Angel  
********Triple Decker Ice Cream = Kuroshitsuji  
All these belong to their respective owners.


	6. Allen the PI

**Lavi the P.I.: Allen the P.I.**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own D. Gray-man or any of its characters. Katsura Hoshino-sama owns them all. I'm merely borrowing them. I mean seriously if I owned it this would have been like an ova segment or a filler in the manga or anime or novel…

They think I'm a moron, nutcase with the attention span of an eye booger, but they don't know nothin…just some white haired teen working at a 7 Eleven gas and convenience store, basically what you see everyday right? Well Lavi thought I was strange the first time he saw me workin' there. Like he'd never seen a white-haired teen workin' at a 7 Eleven store. I can tell by the way he was lookin' at me. A strange look, I just hope he wasn't lookin' at me the wrong way 'cause man…I don't roll that way. I saved him from a hoard of pissy birds just before anyone could notice what an idiot he was. The whole time, he didn't know he had a chip in his hair, and he calls himself a P.I.? This time I'm being the P.I. in this episode. I'm asking the world's toughest question. "What would you do for a Klondike Bar?" Several have heard of it…no THOUSANDS of people have heard of it, but only a few can answer.

I put my black regular coat on. Feelin' smooth today. Goin' to ask a smooth question. Gonna be a Smooth Criminal.

Lavi's obviously at the Conoco station right across from my 7 Eleven job. Tryin' to piss Kanda off. We all know Lenalee works there. She's the biggest competition we got, her and her oblivious nature…Let's see what her answer is when I pop the question?

I open the door to the Conoco store the little bell ringin'. SHHHH Tryin' to do this secretly, damnit. Lavi turns to me havin' his flirty face turn to an annoyed face. He knows I wouldn't step foot in a Conoco store just for nothin'

"Whats up, Allen?" he asks all casual and cool. Man… What a womanizer.

"I'm here to ask Miss Lee a question...I need to pop the question…" I say going to the freezer.

Lenalee blushes and Lavi has that shocked look on his face. I take something out of the freezer and walk towards Lenalee with my hand behind my back. I reach the counter and lean in. Lavi still hasn't moved from his shocked state. Lenalee blushes deeper and has a confused and shocked face like Lavi.

"Miss Lenalee Lee…will you…"

Just with that the sound of an exploding bomb came from another room behind Lenalee a psychotic man in a white beret jumped out and grasped Lenalee in a hug. Komui.

"ALLEN!!! What do you think you're doing?!" screams Komui as he cried over Lenalee.

"It can't be helped, Komui, I need to ask her this very important question…unless you'd like me to ask YOU, Komui." I say rolling my attention over to him.

He stops confused.

"Are you outta your mind?!" he screams.

Jeez…just what ARE with these people anyways?? All I wanna do is ask em' a simple question!

"Look, Komui, I'm gonna ask Miss Lenalee a VERY important question and I'm going to ask her whether you like it or not!" I roared.

"Miss Lenalee! Will you…"

Tension was filled in the room Komui was ready to jump in at any moment and Lavi had yet to move.

"Will you…tell me…What would you do for a Klondike Bar?" I asked in all my seriousness.

A loud thud was heard behind me.

"I OBJECT!!!" screams Komui "There is no way, NO WAY, MY LENALEE WILL-huh?"

Lenalee's blush went away.

Just what the hell did they think I was gonna ask her? The answer to a million doller question??

Lenalee's blush came back, embarrassed much? Thinking?

"Wait don't tell me THAT was the question you were gonna ask my Lenalee?!" asked Komui.

I turned to him interrupted.

"Uh…YEAH! What else did you think I was gonna ask? Her number? Her status?" I say sarcastic.

"What about the thing behind you?" he asks.

I pull it out. It was a Klondike Bar I turn to Lenalee.

"I need an answer, at least…" I say seriously.

She looks over at Lavi who is passed out on the ground. She turns to Komui.

"Brother, there was someone who said I was a flirtatious and incredibly sexy girl and it really made me feel uneasy…can you please kick his bum for me?" she asked teary and with an arm crossing her chest in a fist.

In an instinct he ran off. A chainsaw buzzing out of nowhere, yelling. "I'LL KILL HIM!!!"

My glance wondered over to Lavi, Million dollars and my Lamborghini that HE was the one who said that.

Lenalee looked to see if Komui was distracted then kneeled down to Lavi and kissed his lips tenderly, running a hand across his cheek and hugging his unconscious body gently. My eyes widened. What the hell? Does she have feelings for Lavi? I sure hope this is just for the Klondike Bar. I-I mean it's not like I'm INTERESTED in her or anything…ha ha…you're just flippin' patties…

She blushed and then stood up her face flushed in pink.

"And THAT'S what I would so for a Klondike Bar."

"Anything else?" I ask kinda nervous.

She glared to the side a bit.

She may be cute, but that STILL doesn't make me fall for her…I know that's her motive…_;

"Alright I see you put on quite a display there…"

I hand her over the Klondike bar and walk over to Lavi who had missed what could have been the opportunity of a life time to fake sleep and witness the kiss of his crush…too bad he was passed out…

Lenalee started nibbling on the Klondike Bar. I give her a dollar for the bar. After all I haven't paid for it yet.

I pick Lavi up and put his arm around my shoulder and carry his ass out of there before Komui sniffs Lenalee's kiss on his lips.

I head over to my Lamborghini and lay him in the back seat. I'm glad Tim brought it over when we really need it. Though Tim didn't feel the need for speed so he drove slow…I'd say maybe 100 mph. This probably could have been the best day ever for Lavi now only if he was conscious. I sit down and let Tim drive. Such a good golemn.

"Tim take us to the Mall…I need to ask Lo Fwa a question."

Tim turns to me and shakes his little body pushing the petal to his slowest speed ever. 100 mph.

We get at the mall at a staggering 5 seconds when we could have gotten here in half a second. I get out of the car. I don't even bother tryin' to wake up Lavi. He probably got the wrong idea back there. Man what a fellow.

I head into the mall the theater not so popular tonight. Lo Fwa's readin' the sequel to Eclipse from the Twilight saga. Man…sometimes I wonder if books with vampires get people to read more than they have ever had…

I stop before the box office. She reads her book and her ear phones are plugged into her so far in they could reach her ear drums. She looks up bored and her eyes start sparkling. She pulls the ear plugs out and sets the book aside. Hella happy, much?

"ALLEN! What brings you here? You here to see a movie or you here to see SOMEONE?" she says putting emphasis on the 'someone'.

I cough. Her excited nature is just too much sometimes.

"I'm here to ask you a question, Lo Fwa…" I say leaning in lookin' serious.

She blushes deeply like Lenalee only more sparkles. Jeez whats the matter with these girls? Do they think I'm going to ask them out on a date or what? I'm far too busy counting ducks than going out with some enamored girl. Then it suddenly hit me. Is that the reason Komui nearly attacked me? Because he thought I was gonna take Lenalee and ask her out? I think back to what I said. I didn't notice…I have to make it less like an engagement and more like a random question.

"You think we can talk over a cup of tea? I'd really love to ask you a question I know you will love." I say with a smile. Crap.

She jumps in her seat and giggles blushing to her knees. She hides her mouth and nose with her hands together making an arch over them. Just what the hell does she think I'm going to ask her?? Damn…this is going to be the last time I ask a question like this…it only complicates things…It almost looked like she couldn't breathe..

"OF COURSE!!!" she freaks.

I take a step back; she could have bumped into me if it weren't for the glass wall standing between us.

"I have a break in 5 minutes, I'll meet you at Starbucks ok?!" she says almost screaming. She closes the box office and I feel sweat coming down my forehead. I might as well just meet her at Starbucks I really need to ask her that question. I might as well just go.

I arrive at Starbucks.

Mmmm French Vanilla….

I sit at a table and pull out my iPhone. 10 bucks if Lavi was here he'd wonder where I got the money to buy it. Well I have my secrets. And I'm not about to say them or think them out loud. Sometimes a guy needs to have his secret place or his secret or his magic.

I see Lo Fwa she practically pushes people to get here. Halling ass to sit in the table I'm sitting at. She blushes and sits down catching her breath. I slurp a little more of my cappuccino and wait for her to catch her breath.

"Ok…so what were you going to ask me?" she asks getting her cappuccino.

"Well…this question has been lingering in my mind for a while. Hell…I'll just spill it out."

She leans in blushing.

"What would you do for a Klondike bar?" I ask with a smile.

"I WOULD LOVE TO BE YOUR-huh?" she stops and glances at me her jaw open.

"What did you say??" she asked.

"What would you do for a Klondike bar?" I ask again more questiony.

"Is that really what you were gonna ask me?" she asked nearly disappointed.

"Yeah! That's all I need to know!" I ask serious.

She stares at me for a while tryin' to find some sort of chuckle or something maybe? Then she got up and threw her hot friggen cappuccino on me.

AH WHAT THE FRENCH TOAST!!

I get up soaking and burning hot. She runs off upset. What the hell is her problem?? Forget her…I head out to the Lamborghini. Tim was hovering over Lavi.

"Tim? What are you-…" I stop and stare and I try not to laugh.

Tim moved away and revealed Lavi's face written on with black permanent marker. A black colored in mustache, a colored in uni-brow, and the words "poop balls" written on his forehead.

Man, Timcampy can really pull a prank. I completely forgot about my aching burns.

"Tim, lets go home, I'm done with being a P.I. I'll leave this job for Lavi. He can go through this better than I can." I say sittin' on the front passenger seat.

Tim hovers over to the drivers seat and pushes the petal. This time he goes as fast as he could. We got back to the house in less than half a second. Leaving Lavi's body crashing against the back of my seat. He groans and wakes up.

"What the forgotten fudge nut?? Where are we?" he asks dazed.

"Home…the days over, Lav…you can have your job back" I say with a smile.

"Whoa, Allen, when did your hair turn brown?" he asked surprised.

I look up the cappuccino stained my hair. Hey at least I won't be going around with white hair. Awww and I was starting to feel proud of being a white haired guy.

This day ended without my question fully answered. What would you do for a Klondike bar can get pretty personal. Maybe I should never really ask it anymore.

The End

**ITS STILL NOT THE END!!**

Oh ok…

STILL not The End.

**Note from the Author:**

Gosh! It's been a while since I continued this one! But I'm already 25% done with the next chapter. So until then laterz !  
Oh and tell me what you think about this one I was kinda "eh..." about it...


	7. Gobble Gobble

**Lavi the P.I.: Gobble Gobble**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own D. Gray -man and all its D. Gray -manness...Katsura Hoshino-sensei-sama owns all the greatness this anime can offer. I'm just kicking it up a notch ;]

Turkey day is just around the corner. It's so near, so close I can smell it. The stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, and of course the turkey itself. My chummy assistant and I thought it would be a great idea if we invited the Elrics over for the get together. Maybe some other interesting characters that come our way, so now begins the hunt for the perfect turkey. Will we find a kick-ass one, or a crappy-ass one? According to Allen...a kick-ass one...

I put my Eskimo jacket on, no it's not just for my protection against Tim's violent driving but against the cold as well. It's only November and the cold is like a freaking shark, biting at anything that isn't covered, not even a hair blower would kill it off.

"Ya ready for the race?" says a voice behind me.

I turn and it's Allen wearing his black and white jacket. That thing isn't enough to cover you and not get bit by the raving shark outside...

"Yeah whatever lets go already"

"Come on, Lavi, it's only 50 degrees...it's not like its enough to freeze you" he says all smartass.

"Doesn't matter I'll still need this as a life support against that demon flying around your head's driving..." I say glaring at Tim.

Tim stops on Allen's hair and then sulks into a depression.

"Aww Tim...you're not a demon...come 'ere..." he says and hugs his golemn.

Damn...what a mama's boy...I mean...papa's...ha, ha...

"Come on, Lavi, say you're sorry..." says Allen pushing the golemn to my face.

"I don't need to apologize to a stuffed animal, now lets go before all the good turkey is taken..." I say about to open the door.

"The weather guy said it was gonna snow so...careful with the blizzard!" I say and I open the door.

The sun covers everything and I look at it like I've seen god.

"Wow...quite a blizzard we're havin don't you agree, Lavi?" says Allen walking out of the house.

"Ha, ha that was so funny I forgot to laugh..." I say walking towards the Lamborghini.

Allen opens the door and I already feel like I'm too late. I open the door and rush in only to be beaten by Tim as he presses the gas full throttle.

I bounced around the back seat like clothes in a dryer or washer.

Immediately he stops and I hit the back of Allen's seat.

"Come on, Lavi! Stop playing around it's starting to get annoying..." says Allen as he turns to the back seat.

All I could see were little stars and birds flying around.

"You're overreacting, Lavi." He says opening the door.

I fall out into the cold world and I get a hold of my head.

"One of these days, Allen...One of these days...." I say getting up.

"Nuff' talking aready! We need to get the perfect turkey!" He says grabbing a hold of my arm and pulling me into the store. Before I get into the store I notice the people walking around in their blue vests. Oh no...we just entered Wal-mart! Again!.

"Allen...don't tell me we're at wal-mart..."

"Yeah where else do you wanna go!? Its not like turkeys are running around everywhere looking for you" he says sarcastic.

Man what a pissy fellow he is today...did he get his monthly visit?

As we head to the meat area Allen's looking at the turkeys and I look around, when I see a girl in a pink dress with a casual wear underneath and brown hair with a tall fellow with blonde hair. He's looking at the place like he's never seen a market before. I look at the lobster tank and I see a little blonde haired kid with a super tall black haired man. He's poking at it and playing with the lobster while the tall fellow is just there with a serious face.

I bet these people are just looking around.

Elsewhere I see two orange haired twins looking around and tilting their heads at the coffee. I could hear them mutter about commoner coffee. I look at Allen and he's stuck between two turkeys. Lifting them in two hands and checking their weight, then squishing them.

If I wasn't looking at dead turkeys I would have thought he was squishing something else...

Now he was smelling them and using a thermometer and using his Akuma eye. This is where I go –face palm-

Suddenly we hear.

"Hey, you're Allen Walker and Lavi aren't you?" asked a voice.

I turn to see the pink dressed girl next to us with the tall blonde guy.

"Yeah? How'd you know?" asked Allen who turned surprised.

"Winry told me about you guys. She said you guys were awesome to drop her off at her house after Edward didn't answer his phone." She explained.

"Oh, that Winry girl, yeah it wasn't nothing big…" I say in all my coolness. Damn anymore and I can beat that polar bear who sells icee drinks.

"Yeah she said you'd say that" she said bluntly.

It felt like that was just expected of me…

"Anyways are you getting ready for Thanksgiving?" she asks Allen knowing he's holding a turkey in each hand.

"Ah Turkey Day…I've never really celebrated that holiday with you all. I wonder how it would have been" says the tall blonde guy.

"It would probably be a disaster…" says the girl dead bluntly.

The tall blonde guy made a face like his feelings were hurt.

"Haruhi! I will make sure that this Thanksgiving will be perfect for my daughter! Daddy will make things extra special!!" he shoots up in the air.

"No thanks…I'd rather just have it as an ordinary meal." She says with a slightly annoyed face.

There's a loud thud behind her and the blonde guy falls his happiness destroyed.

"Anyways…my name is Haruhi Fujioka it's a pleasure to finally meet you." She says bowing a bit.

Allen lifted his hands up shaking it off

"Oh no the pleasure's all mine-…" forgetting that he had the turkey in his hands he dropped it to his foot.

"AHH CRAP ON A STICK!" he yells covering his mouth before anyone can hear him.

I look at Allen with a "What did you say?" face.

The tall blonde guy picks up the turkey.

"You alright, Allen?" he asks worried.

"I'm okay just damn turkey ran over my foot."

"It's quite heavy too." He says weighing the turkey up and down.

He hands it over to Allen.

"I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself, my name is Tamaki Suoh." He says with a bright smile.

Before Allen could forget he was holding the turkey I held the turkey for him and then let him freak out.

"Nice to meet you, Miss Haruhi and Mr. Tamaki, I'm quite glad that Miss Winry has talked to you about us, it's always good to make new friends." He says a little too well.

I looked over at Tamaki who was taken in by his charm and he hugs him unexpectically.

"You're like the male version of Haruhi only everyone really thinks she's a boy in our host club yet she really has no choice!!" he says all too fast while spinning Allen around.

***

"So are you two looking for supplies for your Thanksgiving?" asks Allen.

This is where I go –facepalm- all over again.

"Pfft…no crap, Allen…it's not like Haruhi comes here cause she works here." I laugh.

"As a matter of fact, I do! I started working here today. It's a part-time job they gave me for the winter." She says with a smile.

I look at her like "wth" and I feel my face getting hotter. Damn I don't know if I feel embarrassed or it was her charming smile.

Out of nowhere the two twins are at their sides and each hold a can of coffee.

"Haruhi, we found the commoner coffee." They both said in sync.

Then the little boy jumped on Haruhi's back and the tall man out girraffed Tamaki. For a second it would be like the Flintstones and their trip to the movies where they put Pebbles and Bam-Bam on Dino's head. Dino…that's the tall guy that just showed up behind Haruhi.

"Haruhi! This super store is awesome! There's an aquarium on the otherside!" he said hyperly hyper.

Then ANOTHER tall man in black hair and glasses shows up next to them pushing his glasses up with his finger all cool.

Damn it seems I have some competition.

And if Allen invites them to the house…BIG company.

"Wow…Mr. Tamaki are these all your children as well?" asks Allen with an "omg" face.

Tamaki looks at Allen with a "huh?" face and then shakes his head.

"No, no, let me introduce you to them."

"These are the twins, Hikaru and Kaoru."

"This little guy is Mitskuni Haninozuka, but he is always called by Hunny, except from Mori. This big guy is Takashi Morinozuka, but he is always called by Mori."

"And this over at my side is Kyoya Ohtori"

"It is a pleasure to meet you all, I hope we'll be come close friends." He says with a smile.

Everyone restrains Tamaki who was about to jump at Allen and his charm. Dang. Something tells me we'll need a tranquilizer –w-.

Suddenly I remember…it's Thanksgiving tomorrow! Meaning the chips are probably on sale! I eye the chip aisle that was wolf calling me. I kept grimacing at it. Hoping no one would notice.

"Hey Lavi…are you in need of going to the restroom?" asked Tamaki.

Damn it.

"Uh no, I just…I'LL BE RIGHT BACK!" I say running off.

I head over to the Chip aisle and I scan the shelves. DORITOS. FRITOS. FUNIONS. WHAT?! Where are the LAYS?! I scan the Lays chips and they were all gone. I felt like I could just fall to my knees and scream, "POR QUA!!!"

Suddenly the twins are at my side. Holding a ginormous bag of Lays. I look at them like I've seen god. They make the bag jump in their hands.

"What do you want from me??" I say in a rugged voice.

The turned to each other and sneered.

"I don't know Kaoru what do you think we should make him do?" asked one of the twins.

"What do you think, Hikaru? Should we make him into our little slave?" asked Hikaru.

"What's going on here?" asked Haruhi.

We all turn to her like we were at a scene of a crime. How the hell can I escape this with my precious bag of Lays?!

"Oh nothing, We were just getting a bag of chips to munch on…" they say together.

"YOU DON'T JUST MUNCH ON LAYS! You passionately caress them in your hands kiss them tenderly with your mouth and express your love by swallowing them and respecting their taste and admiring how good it tasted! Thus why you can't just have one! You need to have more and more and MORE!" I say in the middle of the aisle.

I stop to notice people staring at me. A couple of people are blushing and then turning slowly to continue their way with a red face.

"Lavi…we're have another shipment of Lays in the store room. Now that I see that we are low on stock of these I'll stock these up when I return from break." She said slightly blunt.

"Really, now? That means they will be fresher than these?" asked the twins as they held the bag.

They tossed the bag to me and I feel like I'm holding my new baby son in my arms.

"Oh, baby! I love you!" I say hella happy.

Allen mutters something to Haruhi that sounded like. "He needs to see a psychiatrist…"

I turn to him and cough my embarrassment away.

"So Haruhi how long you been working here?" I ask changing the scene.

"Well today's my first day, they called me this morning to start my day."

"Why would they let a girl your age work at Wal-mart?" asked Hikaru.

"Because they can" said the tall bespectacled man.

We all turn to him and his creepy intrusion.

"Still the law is the law…"

"Hey…it's Japan…anything can happen in a foreign country…"

"We're in Japan?" Allen asks in all his dumbness.

"Haruhi, would you mind getting back to work? Your break is almost over anyways." Says the tall man.

Haruhi turns to him in all her bluntness.

"Kyoya-sempai…how did you know?"

"Yeah it's not like you're her boss or anything…" I say in all my coolness.

"Actually I am…" he says pushing his glasses up a bit.

We all turn to him with a WTF face.

"As of today Wal-mart is now owned by the Ohtori name. Since the world knows Wal-mart by its name we decided to keep its name. We were planning on naming it 'Ohtori-Mart'." He says walking out in front of us.

"That means…as of today…I am your boss, Haruhi" he continued.

Everyone looked at him with a * o * face and that was the end of it.

**Note From the Desk of the Author:**

I decided to end it like this cause I know by now y'all's faces are all like

O o O; and I'll continue it with MOAR randomness ;D


	8. Halloween P1

**Lavi the P.I.: Halloween Movie Pt. 1**

**Disclaimer:** The anime featured in this fan fiction are in no way connected or created by me. They were created by their creators of course. -man belongs to Katsura Hoshino-sama. Thank you.

Halloween, heh? Sounds like a holiday we can get used to. Kids goin door to do askin for candy with their little costumes. Heh. I'll admit those little tykes are quite cute with their little pumpkin outfits and ladybug outfits. The ones I'll look forward though are the adult costumes…hmm…I wonder what Lenalee has in store for her…A-any ways there doesn't seem to be any investigations to start with so Allen and I just sit our asses down and watch scary movies. I feel bad for the kid. He doesn't feel like trick or treating? Maybe I'll treat him to some trick or treating later on and see how that goes…

Sit my ass down to watch a zombie movie, I rented. Allen flinches at the cover. What a wuss. Can't take the epicness of this legit shit? Sit your ass down and be a man! I tell him. He looks at me with that mega uke face of his. What a catcher. He as to be something more than just a pretty face…I slap myself silly…did I just call him a pretty face? The hell is wrong with me? I need to see Lenalee today…hopefully his psychotic brother isn't on the loose today.

Allen senses that I wanna go out somewhere and he runs into his room. I freeze in my steps with my "oh snap what the hell is he going to do" face and I stand there waiting. About 5 minutes pass and the door opens. I look intently towards the door and he comes out in a two piece suit. He painted another scar on his cheek, a short shirt and pants. Oh my god. He is cosplaying Haseo. I freeze for a moment and he looks at me with his "did I do something wrong?" face. I shake my head a little. He's only 15 I gotta remember that. Well as long as he doesn't embarrass me in front of my dear Lenalee…I'm good.

"Come on, sport, we needa take you trick-or-treating…and go to the convenience store." I say in all my badassness.

"Hmm as long as I can kill some pkks!" he says in all his enthusiasticness.

"…yeah…sure…pkkk some candy and get your ass over to the convenience store. My precious awaits!" I say in my most annoyingest of annoyingness voice.

He takes off ahead of me into the Lamborghini and that's when I notice…oh snap..it will only take a matter of seconds before Tim will fly to it and hall ass out of there. I hall ass to the car and throw myself in the backseat and put myself in a fetal position waiting for the impact of the time as it flings me in the back seat like a really bouncy ball in the dryer. Allen looks at me from his seat as he hunches over the head rest with a "wth is your problem?" I look up at him slightly cautious.

"Has the demon sped?" I ask in my askyness.

"We're here already…" I look out the window and we're still at home. Tim looks over his shoulder with a grin from horn to horn his tail pressing against the gas making the car roar with life. Allen grins and jumps back to his seat and the drying action begins.

I jump around in the back seat hitting everything. Oh holy firetruck. The drying action only lasts for 5 seconds before it stops and I hit the roof of the car.

"MOTHER EFFER!" I hold the top of my head. Allen jumps out of the car flingin his hair back in the most dramatic way ever. You're not Tamaki. I get off and I notice there's a bump on my head…blimey…but then I see the convenience store and I have a smile that could light up a disco town.

I run in and let Allen do his thing outside with the trick-or-treating. The bell rings and I see the beautiful creature standing by her cashier. She looks over to me and the whole place looks pink, like we got sucked into a vortex of pure pink and sprinkles…what a shojo. She's wearing a costume. Holy shiz. It's a pink long dress with a small pink hat nearly covering her left eye. Her pigtails are extremely long and it looks like she's going to a ball to see if they can find the real Jack the Ripper who turns out to be some woman loving, wine loving, art loving, and fancy loving doctor who auctions people and their organs underground instead of being the real Jack the Ripper. ...wth was all that? It just came out of nowhere…

I shake my head a bit and walk up to her smiling like a boss. She smiles at me in her cute little smile of hers. K-k-kawaii…I cough and lean on the counter.

"Nice dress you got there." I say in all my awesomeness.

She giggles that cute orgasmic cute giggle. "Thank you. I made it myself. I'm supposed to be cosplaying as-"

"Excuse me where are the rest rooms?"asks a dumb-ass kid who ran into the store and impolitely ruined our conversation.

"Oh, down this aisle to your right at the back. There's a sign for any gender you can't miss it." She smiles.

"Thank you, so much! And nice cosplay!" he runs back and I stare at him in a glare…I WAS COMPLIMENTING HER ABOUT HER DAMN DRESS, PRICK.

I turn back at Lenalee and continues to smile. She looks so beautiful in that dress I can't even stop saying that in my mind.

"So you got someone to-" then a tall man stands beside her. He's clad in black and he's glaring at me.

I flinch and step back a bit. WHO THE HELL IS HE?

"Oh hello, Sebastian-niisan." Says Lenalee as she turns to see what I was looking at. He brings out a pair of glasses and puts them on.

"LAVI WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? YOU GOING TO BUY SOMETHING? OR GIT THE HELL OUT" He says in a crazy tone.

I freak out for a moment then I calm my jets. It's Komui as a waiter?...no…a servant?...no…a groom?

"Haha, Lavi this is Komui he's my cosplay butler" she smiles.

"A butler…right."

"I'm not JUST a butler…I'm a ONE HELL OF A BUTLER." He says pushing his glasses up. "Now are you going to buy something or are you going to get out?"

"Heh…is that threatening your customer, Mr. Butler manager? I'll just take my business back to the 7/11 gas station right across. I'm pretty sure Kanda might have missed me." I say opening the door, the little bell ringin, to leave the store. Not even a step outside the convenience store I hear Kanda from the other side of the street scream:

"NO." and a loud slam of the door almost window shattering.

I keep my foot in the Conoco station and shove my hands in my pocket. "What I tell ya? He misses me, poor guy."

Only seconds later Allen barges in catching his breath.

"-pant-SOMETHING-pantpant-IS TRYING-pantpant-TO GET-pantpant-ME-pant-" he says obviously out of breath.

Everyone looks at him like he's crazy or cried wolf.

"Allen..there's nothing anymore…what was it? A little kindergarden trick-or-treater?" I snort in all my snortyness.

"NO-pant- IT WAS ZOMBIE LIKE! I SWEAR!-pant- I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP!-pant- I KNOW THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I DO STUPID SHIZ BUT THIS TIME I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP OR PLAYING WITH YOU GUYS. THIS IS SERIOUS…THERE ARE REAL ZOMBIES OUT THERE!-PAAANT-"

We all look at each other and wonder if he's really telling the truth. I open the door to take a gander outside. The place is dead silent.

"See Allen? There's nothing for you to worry about, there is no one out there!" says Komui and all his Komuiness.

"B-but!"

"Yes everyone has a bum, no need to-"

"No, hold on, Komui…I think Allen is on to something.."I say in all my Scooby-Doo reference. "It IS Halloween…"

"Right and that means it might be a hoax from teenage kids." Says Komui.

"Yeah…but where are the kids?" I say seriously.

The room grows silent, only the sound of Allen's bones chattering in fear. Lenalee has that look of concern and that's when I realize something is wrong here. It's time for us to put away all games and jokes. This time we've got a case that could save our lives.

"Hah, Lavi…Don't you think you're over reacting? I mean we've yet to even see a-" just before he could finish the glass breaks from somewhere in the back. What the hell was that?

"Didn't a boy come in to use the toilet?" asked Lenalee putting an arm across her chest in fear mode.

I brought my mini hammer out of my pocket giving it a second appearance throughout the entire fan fiction to use as a bat in case it was a zombie or a burglar. You can never be too careful. I make my way towards the back wielding the hammer like a gun in my hands. I peek into the dark hallway. It's so quite you could hear a hair drop I'm amazed the guys in front haven't said anything. I guess they're too interested to hear me scream in victory. I think about it…I would be showing my bravery to my dear Lenalee! She'll totally dig me!

I stop to the feeling of me stepping on something squishy. I look down the darkness was kind enough to let me see what I had just stepped on. It was a hand.

I stumble back a bit flipping my phone on to see the guy who had run back here dead. Though by the looks of it his skin looked like it had been lying there for months…but it's only been 20 minutes! I look up to see what made the shattering noise and the window to the bathroom was broken and blood remained on the broken glass.

I squat down to inspect the cause of death and I notice his head had a giant bite mark right on the forehead. What the hell! Suddenly I head Lenalee scream and I release the guy's head letting it hit the floor. I turn back at the hallway and run towards it trying to see what just happened.

Lenalee hid behind a produce shelf while Allen and Komui threw whatever they could at the incoming heard of decaying flesh that was limping towards them.

No way…where the hell did these zombies come from? Why is this happening? All I know is I have to protect Lenalee, Allen and even Komui…

Zombies were coming in from the hand fulls glass was breaking and we were growing surrounded and fast! All private investigator aside…it's time to use it.

"Allen! We've got to break fanfiction plot!" I scream at him. He looks at me with a concerned look. Lenalee looks up with a concerned look herself and she knew what was going down.

"We've got to use…that!" I order.

"Right!"

I fling out my little hammer and with both hands I summon it.

"Big hammer, little hammer. Grow, Grow, GROW!" and with that I completely wipe out one side of the zombie attack making one side of the store spontaneously explode.

Allen unleashes his parasite innocence. "I know these are for killing demons but these are an act of demonic activity!" he says and punts another wave of zombies.

"These boots are made for walking!" she bashed the last wave of zombies approaching her.

"No they're made for killing…." Says Allen turning to her.

"Oh yeahhhh…"says Lenalee and all her Teh Exorcist reference.

Our hands were tied killing off the zombies we left Komui defenseless. He was throwing coffee mugs at them like knifes to the forehead. They were falling one by one but they were coming by the hundreds. One zombie was about to bite him when a flying sword sliced through the zombie like cheese.

"Hmph. Just like you Komui…can't take care of your own damn self." Said a bitch-ass voice. Oh hell...It's Squidward.

"KANDA!" we all say.

[ END OF PART 1]

Note from the Author:

I thought I should give you all a little treat for Halloween seeing as you've been waiting. I won't let you wait any longer! I finally have time to write more and I promise you this..the second part won't take long at all! Be back soon and I hope you all enjoyed this little fan fic. I hope you catch the anime reference coming up. O wo


	9. Halloween P2

**Lavi the P.I.: Halloween Movie Pt. 2**

**Disclaimer:** The anime featured in this fan fiction are in no way connected or created by me. They were created by their creators of course. D. Gray -man belongs to Katsura Hoshino-sama. Thank you.

The zombies were defeated enough that there weren't any more to be seen for the next couple blocks.

"Hurry! We've got to find shelter!" I say putting away my hammer. We're running down one side of the street where there is no one to be seen in search of shelter when we hear an attention whistle.

I turn to see who was the bitch that did that and I see a kid upon a house with a barrage of guns. He's joined by another guy, kinda chubby but no one's judgin' anyone here.

"Is that a human?"

"It is!"

We look throughout the street to see if any zombies were coming and we approached the house. We waited until the kid opened the door and let us in. It looked like a pretty safe place to hide from the zombies.

"Whew…we're glad we ran to the right side of the city…" I say catching my breath.

"We're just glad there are people alive here…you guys really are lucky." He said looking at all of us.

"Oh. It seems the girls need some rest, go on inside the other girls are resting as well. We're just keeping an eye out and seeing how many we can kill until we're ready to move."

Kanda unsheathes his sword and aims it an inch from his face.

"What did you say, bitch?" he says in all his snappyness.

"OH…uhhh I meant the lady over there in the pink dress…"Kanda bonked him on the head with his sword. "Ahhh…" he holds his head.

"Takashi!"

"Hirano… are there more of 'them' coming?"

"Lots! We gotta get going before times runs out!"

"Hey!" I scream in all my loudness.

"SHHH!" he quites me down…wtf?

"They follow sound any sound they hear and the will go towards it, like instinct." He says in a whisper.

"Okay" I whisper in my whisperyness. "But who are THEY?...no…WHAT are THEY?"

"That we don't know…we just like to refer to them as 'they' or 'them'." He explains.

"Instead of Zombi-" they cover his mouth up.

"Calling them Zombie's is like calling 'Him' the Devil…or calling Beetlejuice, beetlejuice." He starts.

"SHHH don't say it again!" We all say.

"Anyways lets go inside and rest up. You all are probably tired of running" he looks back at Lenalee, Komui and Allen and smiles. "And from your trick or treating event."

Lenalee blushes a little and Komui breaks out.

"We're not trick or treaters! We're employees and employers of a local gas station as of this knuckle head here…he's trick or treating." Komui points to Allen.

"HUH! HEY NOW!"

"SHHHH"

"What are we in? Silent Library?"

We go inside to see no one inside. The place is pretty big and rich like. Who's house to I have to rob to get something like this?

"The girls are showering. Maybe the young lady in the group would like to join them?" He does the mistake of looking at Kanda again.

"BITCH. SAY THAT AGAIN." He snaps.

"Thank you, sir. I'll kindly join them." Says Lenalee glaring at Kanda.

Kanda steps back with a "che" look on his face. Man…what a sore thinker.

Lenalee picks up her dress and the other guy walks her to the shower room. I turn to the leader guy and smirk all seriousness a side for a moment and lean in on him.

"So…you said there was a shower room filled with GIRLS? SHOWERING? NUDE? BONE-" right before I could finish Komui brought over his dumbass foot over my head and kicked me down. DAMN I'm gonna have a triple scooped ice cream on my head by the end of this episode if I don't watch myself.

"My dear sister is in that room, ya prick." Growls Komui.

"Damn, Lavi's the biggest pervert in the room.." murmers Kanda.

We go up these stairs to a master bedroom where they were watching us from. There was a balcony that has a shooting range scope with a great view from here to the Conoco station where we were just at. That's pretty freaken sweet, you're well prepared!

"There are a lot of them out there. I think it's going to take us a good while before we can actually be free."

"Do you have a theory on how these things began breaking out?" asked Allen in all his seriousness.

Damn. He was serious.

"We don't really know how but we hear it's air borne and it's spreading fast…"

We all took a moment to think, even if it took a moment it felt like forever. Outside we could hear the moaning off the walking dead. How the hell are we supposed to escape this madness? This thing was as sudden as finding out your girlfriend was a guy for the longest time.

Suddenly we hear a girl voice and we turn to it. Immediately as I turned to the voice, it was as though I was slapped with a nosebleed head shot and I fall to the ground. The girl was wearing nothing but a towel. Holy mother of fanservice…my dreams have finally come true! A hot drenched girl wrapped in a tiny towel…I can now die peacefully!

Everyone blushed and you can hear a ding. Takashi rushed to her covering her up. "Takagi! We have guests! You need to find clothes that fit you!" he scolded her even though we all knew he enjoyed the sight.

"You guys shouldn't even be looking, you perverts!" she pouted and shifted away.

At this point I was still on the floor suffering from a loss of blood. Allen coughed and picked me up sitting me on the bed. Man what a fellow. Komui turned his attention from the door to the outside sky. Kanda just had his "hmph" face with a little pink in his face. Takashi just turned around to us and sighed.

"I'm sorry about that. I did tell you guys that the girls were bathing and cleaning up" he said putting an arm behind his head.

"It's fine…(okay)" we all say.

"Takashi!" another girl's voice says.

"Uh?-OOF" another girl runs out of the room and completely bounces on Takashi with her chest. She had soaking blonde hair and her towel nearly exposed her. I fell off the bed. Everyone turned to her and for a split second everyone gulped and turned away.

"Miss Shizuka!"

"Takashi! The girls are being rough in there…maybe Takashi will make me feel better" she nuzzles on him and he starts to sweat.

"Miss Shizuka…please…we have more guests here…they're survivors…"

She looks over to us and smiles waving at us even if we're not at all looking at her. Allen speaks out.

"H-hello, miss…It's great to know you're alive." He says shakey voice.

"Aww you're just a cutie aren't you?" she walks over to Allen and nuzzles him the same way she did to Takashi.

Allen starts shaking and closes his eyes. Perhaps a major blush and a nosebleed coming soon.

"Miss Shizuka! Please! Put on some clothes!" says Takashi becoming even more uneasy.

"Oh-okay, Takashi." She runs off and we all exhale a LONG exhale.

"How many girls you got locked in that room anyways?" I say as I get up and cover my nose with my scarf.

"They're my classmates…and they're not locked in there…Actually that last one was the school nurse.."

"Takashi."

Everyone turns to see another girl appear. Kanda's eyes shifted a little.

"Oh, Saeko. At least you have something on.."

What the hell? She has one hell of an apron on! Not much but decent!

"Who are these people?" she asks looking around the room.

"These are some survivors we found running around outside." He says turning to us.

"Hmm…are they good fighters?" she asks in all her seriousness. I turn to Kanda and he has his eyes set on her speak.

"HEH…*good* fighters?" I say. "I don't think we could have survived a massive cluster of them ganging up on us back at the Conoco station."

"What are your weapons." She states.

I pull out my little hammer and she looks at it with a disappointed expression.

"Miss, Saeko…This is not what it seems…" I run out to the balcony and summon it. "Big hammer little hammer…grow, Grow, GROW!"

"What about you, kid?" she turns her attention to Allen and I feel like my light's been passed on out of boredom. What the hell.

Allen pulls out his arm and transforms it infront of her. She nods her head with a smile and turns to Komui.

"What about you?"

"Unfortunately I have no power. I'm just the owner of the Conoco station these kids were speaking of."

She blinks and turns to Kanda lastly.

"And you?"

He shows her his blade and she's impressed.

"Nice blade you have there. I'm quite jealous.." she says with a dark smile. Kanda just stares back at her with that same glare.

"Tch…Just get your inspection over with already.." he turns his head away.

She scoffs with a smirk and walks up to him and looks at his Katana.

"Well…let's see it. Bring it out." She says crossing her arms.

Takashi turns to Allen and I and covers the side of his face as so she can't hear, but really there is no point since you're whispering it and people around you can hear…plus you never know if this person has hyper super hearing, like that Winry girl and that Ed guy…I wonder how they're doing…the little scamps.

"She likes her swords long.." he whispers to us.

God…why did that turn me on? Allen just freaks and watched the two. If you didn't know they were separate you would mistake them for siblings…or maybe even husband and wife…but mostly siblings.

"Tch…" Kanda unsheathes his sword not even careful of the distance between the two. Saeko steps back a bit and watches the sword. She's smirks more as it starts to grow larger

"You're going to be very useful as the last two. I'm glad you're in our team." She pats him on his shoulder.

"I'm on nobody's team…I just happened to fall with this group of worthless nobodies…" he said all coldass.

"I like your attitude too…" she cold glare smiled. She turned away and to Takashi. In other words she's not dealing with your bullshiz you're still in our team, or she'll whoop your ass. "Nice group of characters you found, I'm impressed." She says nodding at Takashi and then turning to walk away.

What the hell? There was ASS in this room and no one bothered to look at it, but me? I hate this place.

"Lavi!" calls a female voice. I turn to the voice, it sounded like Lenalee. "Lavi come here please.." she sounded serious so I follow it.

I enter the room where the girls were coming from and I didn't need to walk in to feel a blow of orgasm to my face. Lenalee was having trouble with her hair, a towel wrapped around her waist. She looks at me with that cute, Lolita, innocent look and I just had to blush.

"Y-you want me to help you with something?" I ask softly.

She looks away and nods. "All the girls left before I could ask for them to help me with my hair…"

I approach her and help her with her hair blushing every second. "Lenalee…there is something I've wanted to tell you…but your brother's always been there to control things that I never had the chance…"

She looks up at me and tilts her head in a cute questioning way. "What is it? We're all alone now, Lavi"

"I've…I've always pretty much liked you, Lenalee. There's a reason I return to the Conoco store every day…and It's not for gas, or food…It's for you." I say staring at her hair.

She's silent for a moment and I wonder if I should have told her that to begin with…Damn it, Lavi! You're such a twit! You should have waited! Now she's gonna reject your love for her!

"Lavi…" she says quietly.

I stop washing her hair and kneel down to her eye level. "Yes?"

She attacks me in a hug and kisses my lips tenderly. Have my prayers been answered? Am I really having this embrace and kiss from the girl of my dreams? I wonder how much I can get away with from her brother…In fact. I've been gone for a long while from them, shouldn't they be wondering why Lenalee called me? It seems that that thought has been in my mind for a while I didn't notice she was still kissing me for only 5 seconds. She pulls apart from me and she's on top of me.

Hell no is this fanfiction turning into a hentai! I sit her down beside me and I take a moment to actually make things sense. She kissed me and hugged me…so she LIKES ME BACK? I turn to her and smile.

"Lenalee…" I blush. "Come here…" I lay her down on the shower floor and kiss her back. Suddenly I felt an impact hit my face. It wasn't Lenalee her hands were in cute position, across her chest.

I look around and I feel the impact again. What the hell?

I open my eyes…goddamnit…

"LAVI…It's 2 in the FREAKEN AFTERNOON." Yells Allen. Man…what a fellow…

"WHAT? DON'T TELL ME I'VE BEEN FREAKEN DREAMING!" I scream out.

"You fell asleep last night while I went trick or treating. You said you were going to the convenience store but when I went to the convenience store you weren't there and Lenalee gave me a kiss." I wrap my arms around his neck and start shaking it. "WHAT?" I snap at him.

"A-COUGH-CHOCOLATE-COUGH-KISS!-COUGHH!-"

"Oh." I let him go. What a fellow.

"You really think I'd let her kiss me?" he blushes and walks off to his room to blush his ass off.

I get up only to feel my shirt a bit wet. I lift it up and it was water I freeze a bit.

"Is something wrong, young master?"

"Nothing, Sebastian. What's for lunch?"

"For lunch we have beef wellington with red wine imported fresh from Italy, what do you wish for a side dish with the decision of biscuits and toast?"

"Biscuits."

"Excellent choice, my lord."

"We also have special guests Earl Cain Hargreaves to visit in the next fan fiction."  
-

Hmm I bet you're wondering...Where the *hell* did this butler come out of? Well truth is...I have no idea. I guess that dream was all just a big fantasy with me and my beloved Lenalee. I guess my P.I. days are pretty much over...unless something comes up. I wonder how things will be later on? Anyways thanks for staying put to my shenanigans around town and staying till the very end. You earn me and my butler's respect. Stay put for something special soon!

**Note from the Author's Desk:**

This is probably the last insert I'm making for this fanfiction since I'm running out of time and ideas. Though the end of this fanfiction shows a little hint of my next project. I know random insert of Sebby = u= in here. I promise, though, that I won't finish this fanfiction without so much as finishing the second part of the Thanksgiving special.

UNTIL THEN...ADIOS!


End file.
